How to spot if you're being love-bombed at work
Love-bombing, characterised by over-the-top displays of attention and affection, is a kind of toxic behaviour seen in abusive relationships. It’s when a person goes overboard with flattery or carries out grand gestures, to manipulate and control a partner.
But increasingly, this pattern of behaviour is being seen in the working world, too. Workers are reporting being overwhelmed with disingenuous praise and adulation by their employers, to try to instil a sense of loyalty and commitment. And in an attempt to fill job vacancies, unsuspecting applicants are being promised the world — only to be let down once contracts have been signed.
Rhea Freeman , a business coach, mentor and author of You’ve Got This , says love-bombing can be a way to encourage workers to do more — take on extra hours or responsibilities — without increasing their pay or perks.
“Love-bombing can be a tactic to get people to do more, feel more valued than others, increase loyalty and make individuals feel like they’re the ‘chosen’ one,” she explains. “In one way, this sounds lovely. But on the other side of the coin, we need to think about why this is happening."
“Of course, intentions could be completely genuine and an employer might believe their employee is incredible and sees big things for them,” says Freeman.
Read more: Monotasking: How to focus on one thing at a time
“But sometimes, these affections can create a false sense of security or unrealistic job prospects. It can encourage employees to do more work than they should, because they’ve been promised so much.”
A majority of job-seekers say they’ve experienced love-bombing or been ghosted during the interview process for a new role, according to a survey of 2,900 global employees by the hiring platform Greenhouse. More than half of those polled (53%) said they’ve received excessive praise and flattery during the hiring process — only to be passed over for the role, or lowballed with a salary and title.
“Sometimes, we hear of people being love bombed to get them to take different positions within a company — and these roles not working out as promised or expected,” adds Freeman. “This can lead to the person feeling like a failure.”
The impact on employees and job seekers can be detrimental. Workers who are encouraged to work long hours or take on extra tasks may find themselves stressed or feeling taken advantage of, which can lead to low morale and disengagement.
Job seekers who have been overpromised may feel deceived and end up quitting. This is bad news for employers too, as it means they’ll have to start the expensive, time-consuming recruitment process again.
“Love bombing can begin to feel manipulative,” says Charlie O’Brien , head of people at Breathe HR . “It can create pressure for employees to overperform in ways that are not sustainable, which can lead to burnout. For example, someone who is consistently called a superstar by their manager may overwork to continue living up to that expectation.”
But, O’Brien adds, most managers aren’t deliberately setting out to love bomb their workers.
Read more: How to negotiate better maternity leave and pay
“It can happen, for example, when a company is struggling to retain staff,” she says. “In an effort to encourage employees to stay, managers may start lavishing staff with more praise to remind them how valued they are. Too much, and it becomes love-bombing. It could also occur if employers are piling more work on an employee’s plate and start paying them more compliments to keep them on side.”
How to spot if you’re being love-bombed — and what to do about it
If your manager only praises you when asking you to take on extra work, it could be a sign of love-bombing — but sometimes it’s not as clear cut.
“The good news is that most of us know deep down when positive feedback is deserved and when it’s not,” says O’Brien. “So if your manager starts giving you a lot of compliments that feel unearned, it probably is love bombing.”
If you think you are being love-bombed at work, the first thing to do is document when you think this is happening. Keep a note of what took place, when, and how you felt. This can help you to spot patterns of behaviour and you can refer back to your notes if you need to talk to your manager or your employer.
Read more: How employers can bring 'positive psychology' into the workplace
“Your manager may not realise how their feedback is coming across, or you may just have different communication styles,” says O’Brien. “Tell your manager that you appreciate their recognition of your work and value feedback. Then, explain that you would prefer to receive feedback in a different way going forward. For example, request constructive feedback at a dedicated time such as during regular one-on-ones.”
If the love bombing continues and starts to make you feel uncomfortable, it might be time to talk to HR. Raise your concerns, highlighting the specific examples of love bombing that you’ve documented, what you have done to resolve the situation and the impact it is having on you.
“Being honest with yourself and being aware of the situation is key,” says Freeman. “If you’re being promised the moon on a stick, but there’s no evidence of these promises coming to fruition, you can take action — whether that’s arranging a proper meeting, speaking to HR, or not taking on additional responsibilities to ‘gain’ extra credit.”
Read more:
Apple and Android .